The world of writing

I wrote this story in a creative writing class a couple years ago, and while I got an A on it, I'm starting to second guess it's quality..Am I telling too much versus showing? This is just a portion of it, but please tell me what you think of it...

Leonard ran his fingersthrough his thick brown hair as the smooth bourbon ran down his throat.Internally, he thanked God that his French mother’s genes overpowered hisBritish father’s and he wasn’t balding yet. He filled his tumbler, then reachedacross the table and refilled those of his company, Elyse and Bill.

     “Wow,a whollour of silence in this place. It’s incredible!” Bill said, the bourbontaking its toll.    An acting student fromNew York, Bill took this job because he hadn’t booked any gigs over the summerand couldn’t afford rent in the city. Free room and board kept him fromsleeping in front of some upscale boutique on Fifth Avenue; a bed was a bed,even if it meant going all the way to Maine. The ad said he might get to dosome acting here, but he didn’t see where that would fit in, and he definitelydidn’t know why they insisted he brush up on the French he studied in highschool.

     “Well,don’t get used to it. Annie’s been slipping lately, and there’s no telling whenshe’ll lose it again,” Leonard said.

     Elyse tucked a lock of her blond hair behind her ear and looked Leonard in his eyes,as if trying to see his soul. An art student from a wealthy background, shetook the job because she had to. If she didn’t work, she wouldn’t get herinheritance, twelve million dollars and the family’s seafood harvestingcompany, which stretched up the Canadian coast. She spent most of her free timeeither talking with her friends back home or outdoors painting. “Ya know,” shesaid. “I think she needs a drink. You should let her loosen up, when was thelast time she got to let go?”

     “Wediscussed this during your interview- she is to never, ever have alcohol. She’sa nuisance already,” Leonard said, swirling the bourbon in his glass. “Have youbeen administering her medications properly?” he asked the naïve young woman.

     “Ofcourse, every day,” Elyse half lied. She gave Annie her morning medicationswhen everyone would notice at the breakfast table, but lately she had begun topity Annie, and stopped giving her the night dose.

     Thethree sat in silence, Elyse and Bill considering different options for Annie. Leonardconsidered different options for himself- caring for a competent master,another career, or retirement and going back home to Devon, England.

     Annieentered the dining hall and sat next to Elyse, taking the bourbon and pouringit down her throat before any of them could do something about it.

     “Youcan’t have that!” Leonard said, prying the glass from her.

     “Don’ttell me what I can and cannot have! I am NOT a child!” Annie yelled as Leonardpulled the decanter closer to himself.

     “Annie,we both know it is my job to look after you and your health, and when youbehave like a child, you’ll be treated like one!”

     Elyseand Bill looked on in shock, Bill batting his green eyes open to take it allin. They’d both signed on as summer help only a month ago, and while they’dseen Annie in a fit, they’d never seen Leonard like this. He was normally calmand collected, patient with Annie’s tantrums.

     Anniestood up.

     “Andwhere do you think you’re going?” Leonard asked.

     “Tomy bedroom. I will not be talked down to,” she said. “Especially by the help.”She left the table and disappeared into the darkness of her home.

     Leonardsighed. “I don’t know why this is happening. She’s been stable for nearly sevenmonths, doesn’t make sense,” he said, clearing the glasses from the antique oaktable.

     “Will she be alright in the morning?”Elyse asked, placing dust covers on the 18th century French chairssurrounding the table to busy herself and avoid meeting Leonard’s eyes.

     “Idon’t know. This could really go either way. Do you both remember your crisistraining?”

     “Youmean the French and role playing?” Elyse asked.

     “Andthe sensitivity stuff?” Bill added.

     “Yes.I hoped that there would be no need for it, but you may finally get to do a bitof improv Bill. And, Elyse, my dear,” he paused. “You’ll finally get to seeAnnie…loosen up.”

~*~

     Laterthat night, Leonard lay in bed making calls to retired coworkers, explaining thesituation and asking if any of them could spare a couple days, just in case. Hecalled to the stable house and told the stable boy to come inside. He was toreplace all of the electric lighting with candle sticks, and to close allcurtains and cabinets that displayed televisions or any other moderntechnology. Just as Leonard was ready to lie down for the night, his phonerang. Ready to sleep but afraid it was someone calling with questions about thefollowing days, he reluctantly picked up the receiver.

     “EstatePetit, Leonard Bloom speaking.”

     “Leonard?Really, Leonard is that you?!”

     Hecouldn’t believe it. She had finally come back to him.

They met at a farmer’s market.She was a student at the time, ten years his junior and studying sociology. Oncea week they’d meet at a coffee shop and learn everything there was to knowabout each other. She told him of her desires to travel the world beforesettling into the picket fence life and Leonard shared tales of his life: whatit used to be, and what it consisted of now. Then she graduated and left forthe Peace Corps, prompting Leonard to completely give in to the demands of hisjob, relinquishing any dream of a life outside of work.

     “Rebecca?”

     “Leonard,I can’t believe you’re still there! I ran into Tom Williamson at a book shop intown a couple days ago, and he told me you stayed on even after Master Petit died.”

     “Well,yes, I feel…obliged to stay,” he said, the pain of the truth stabbing at him.“What brings you into town?”

     “I’vefinished my second tour with the Peace Corps and thought I’d stop here before Iwent to the city to see everyone that I left behind. I was really hoping to seeyou this weekend.”

     “O,I’m not so sure that’s a great idea. This, this isn’t really a great time, butI’ll call you if I can slip away for a while...”he trailed off, knowing therewould be no such chance with Annie leaning towards a psychotic break.

     “Thatsounds great! I’ll let you get to sleep, I know it’s late. I’ll be waiting foryour call!” she said and hung up.

     For far too long, Leonard thought,placing the receiver on its rest. He closed his eyes and drifted away.

~*~

The morning breeze blew infrom the garden and brushed across Leonard’s face. Years ago, when Annie wasstable, he used to take her out for twenty minutes at a time, letting her sitand enjoy the breeze in her face and the rose petals falling from the treesinto her hair as they blew toward from the ocean. Those twenty minute breaksevery two hours felt like heaven to him. But now his memories seemed more like a surreal dream.

     Heopened his eyes and rubbed them out. He looked at the chestnut night standbeside the bed and thought about the leather pouch in its drawer. He occasionallyturned to drugs as a means of escape, but never went over the edge. Yet if heever was truly desperate for escape, he knew his little pouch wouldn’t failhim. Rolling his eyes to the centuries old portrait of a French aristocrat hangingon his wall reminded him of last night’s fiasco, and he jumped to his feet andslid into his robe.

     Leonardwalked briskly through the long narrow hall outside of his room and opened thedoor to his left, Bill’s room, and knocked on the door to his right.

     “Elyse,you dressed?”

     “Comein,” she shouted through the door. Leonard swung it open and commanded bothstudents from the hallway.

     “Judgingfrom her behavior last night, and patterns I’ve noticed over the years, I feelit my duty to inform you that there is the possibility that Mademoiselle Petithas slipped from our reality and into another. Today may be, if not the mostdifficult, the most strange of your stay. You both signed onto your positionsknowing of her condition, and so I expect the most respect and courtesy beshown to her, even if she isn’t completely deserving, understood?”

     “Yes,sir,” Elyse said as both appeared in their doorways.

     “Yeah…butLeonard?” Bill hesitated, using a compact mirror to examine his freckled skin.“Is she, um, violent crazy, or just weird crazy?” He looked up. “I gotauditions coming up, and I can’t have scars on my face. I mean, nobody wantstheir Romeo to look like Quasimodo, ya know?”

     “Bill,”Leonard sighed. “Crazy is crazy. How far she goes depends on how much you tryto tell her she’s wrong, that she doesn’t make sense. You want to act? Treattoday as an exercise in improvisation. I’m going to check on Annie; hopefullytoday won’t involve any acting at all. I want to meet both of you in thekitchen in exactly fifteen minutes,” Leonard said, turning to open the doorthat lead to the remainder of the castle as the students continued dressing.

     Toreach Annie’s apartment from the staff quarters Leonard descended four flightsof stairs and rounded countless corners which led to the grand foyer. Fromthere he entered a pair of Rococo era French doors leading to the parloradjoined to Annie’s apartment. He looked straight ahead through the hall thatconnected the two-his gaze met a crack betwixt the door and jamb, and hethought she might be up and getting ready for the day; maybe there was hopeafter all.

     Leonardproceeded through the hall, which Master Petit had mirrored and lined withchandeliers similar to what Annie had seen at Versailles on a family trip. Leonardexamined himself as he went. He’d worked for the Petits the whole of his adultlife, but the past three years after Annie’s mother Carmen passed, had been theworst, and it showed. He was the only caretaker left for his master’s mentallyill daughter, and there were just too many times that he retreated to hislittle leather pouch to relieve himself of his duties, even if only for alittle while. Doing his best to remain loyal to the promise he made Annie’sfather upon his deathbed ten years ago, Leonard was trying not to give up. Is there an end in sight? Can Annie be cured?

     Hepeeked through the crack, one eye at a time. She wasn’t in bed. Great! he thought as he burst throughthe door and saw her looking out to the East Garden.

     “Annie,dear, you gave me such a fright last night. I thought we’d have to pull out allthe stops on you, old girl!” he said as he crossed the room to her.

     “Annie?I am not Annie,” she replied. “I am Marie.” The confusion was displayed on hercountenance.

     “Ah,Miss,” Leonard said, the hope drainingfrom his eyes. “My mistake, let me call your maids to help you dress” he said,and headed for the kitchen, making calls along the way.

~*~

“It’s happened again. She’sMarie Antoinette, or so she believes. I’ve called the gardeners as well asformer staff from her father’s administration in to act as house staff. Theyall know the drill. As for the both of you-Bill, you’ll retain your currentposition and duties. Elyse, I want you to call in your girlfriends from thecity for champagne and cake,” Leonard said. “It’s play time.”

The trio heard the frontdoors slam shut as two maids rushed in to dress the teen queen.

Leonard led his help acrossthe hall to a set of double doors he’d never shown them before. He keyed in acode and opened the doors to reveal a room full of eighteenth century costumes,wigs, and shoes. The left side was lined with color blocks-differentcollections of uniforms for various positions- and the right side boasted amyriad of hues-reds, purples, blues, yellows, greens, and pinks, alloverflowing with plaids and prints, ruffles and pleats-countless dresses,corsets and crinolines for Elyse to choose from. There were twice as many inAnnie’s own closet.

     “Bill, you’re in blue and cream with me. The wig is above theuniform and the shoes below it-take your size. Elyse, my dear, take your pick.White wigs in the front, colored ones towards the back. There is also anassortment of tall wigs in boxes back there,” he said, pointing to a corner.“I’m sure you’ll use your woman’s intuition to figure out where all of theshoes went,” he laughed and removed his uniform from the rack as he turned tothe door. He kept his own shoes and wig in his room. “Oh, before I forget. Infront of Annie,” he added. “We speak French.”

~*~

Leonard watched theafternoon play out like a witty comedy. Annie, full of excitement and the joyof life, frolicked with Elyse and her friends, gossiping and playing youthfulparlor games. Periodically she’d call him. “Leonard!Leonaaard! Bring us more champagne!” And he would, he’d bring the girlsmore champagne and her more sparkling juice, or more cakes and pies, or meatsand cheeses, whatever they asked. Then he’d return to the line with Bill andtwo men, Tom and Charles, his ever faithful retired pals.

     He stood there silently, watching as the girls chased each otherabout the room. Laura, one of Elyse’s friends, was blindfolded and trying totag one of the other girls. Annie playfully mimicked her shadow, making sillyfaces to her back. Leonard’s mind began to wander. He thought of what his lifewould be like had he chosen another career when he came to America-if insteadof going into the family business of paid servitude he had become a teacher ora doctor and married a sweet American girl who thought his accent wascute.  They would have chased each otherthrough parks, and he’d sneak up behind her, just as Annie did Laura, only he’dkiss his American sweetheart and devote all of his time to her and their children.

Yet he was here in a palacefilled with the makings of a happy man but lacked the time to enjoy thembecause he was babysitting a psychotic wreck. There would be no happyending-for him nor her. Per her father’s will, Annie’s estate would go to themost senior person caring for her at her passing, and that was him. She wastwenty-eight years his junior and she’d surely outlive him, meaning he’d spendthe rest of his days in her service. After he was gone, she was fated to aninstitution, going in and out of psychotic fits.

The sun was beginning to seton the castle. Leonard led Bill, Tom, and Charles to the kitchen to preparedinner. He opened the drawer nearest him and took out four tapers, handing oneto each man and keeping one for himself, then lighting them with a pocketlighter. The room came alive as the men made their way to its far end, Charlesand Bill lighting candelabras on the tables, and Tom and Leonard lightingsconces along the walls.

Once every candle was lit,the men removed their powdered wigs and Leonard took a duck in a roasting panfrom the refrigerator as Tom and Charles took to their former duties, h’or deurvesand desserts, respectively. Bill built a quick salad and focused on sides-beinga poor college student he knew how to get crafty with spices.   

“Ay, Leonard,” Tom calledacross the table. “What’re we blokes gonna ‘ave tonight?”

“That depends…how fancy abloke are ya?” Leonard said with a laugh.

“Well, let’s see, eh. Beforeyou called me outta m’ sleep I ‘ad dirt in ma nails, knots in m’ ‘air andspinach in ma teeth…actually,” Tom said, sucking his teeth. “I still got someof the spinach.”

“Alright then, Charlie,freezer pizza okay by you, then?” Leonard asked, laughing with Tom.

“I haven’t got a singleobjection, sir,” Charles said, never taking his eyes off of his pastries.

“Then an artery clogging,heart stopping, three meat it is, boys!” Leonard stopped halfway throughstuffing the small bird, removed the pizza from the freezer, tossed it into theoven sans pan, and turned back to the work table.

Bill was mashing potatoes,mixing fresh with the boxed variety and his favorite herbs. Tom worked on hissecond appetizer, a foie gras paste squeezed onto crackers and topped withimported Beluga. Charlie was busy piping rosettes onto petite fours, and herewas Leonard, ready to go back to stuffing the duck to the point of explosion.He thought about how pointless it all was, all this work for a woman who wasn’tvery likely to remember any of it tomorrow. All of this work and no pay out,how much longer could he stay?

Opening sentences and their impact on the reader.

When I started this page, I did a lesson on the importance of the first line of a book and I quoted the phrase, “The first sentence sells the book, the last sentence sells the next book.” The purpose of that lesson was to explain why an opening paragraph of description about how the trees look, how the houses look; the mundane detail of the surroundings are a loss. You will not keep the interest of your readers and more importantly, if you are shopping your story, the most important reader, the publisher will toss it before the story had a chance to fly.

Great authors for centuries have given this important advice, “Make every word count.” They have also recommended your story carry the plot with it as it develops, that you are going toward a finish line at all times, especially from word one. That’s confusing for most writers. It almost sounds like the advice is saying you must be reminding the reader at all times what the plot is, but that’s far from the truth. What it’s suggesting is the means will justify the end. Because of that, the means, (the story as it is developing) is telling us something about the interconnectedness of all the parts. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t give the recipe header. If this is Quiche Lorraine being made, we need to know that up front. In that way, we are seeing something identifiable come together. Watching you bake it will be our story. How YOU do it in your own unique way, what temperature, what ingredients, and ultimately if it’s any good, will be your story.

Openings have had to evolve from the best ones already written. What we know about openings, is they excite us to pay attention. The earliest openings went something like this, “Gather around and I will tell you a scary story.” We are intrigued. We came to the cave man campfire hoping Uncle Grog was about to tell a scary story and not one where he took Aunt Ug by the hair and made love to her. (We hate that story.) Thanks to Uncle Grog taking the best opening, we have had to be more creative in our openings to keep the attention of the reader and not be a carbon copy of Uncle Grog, RIP. What we discovered, we could have a direct approach and let the reader know about the events unfolding, or we could use a trick where we write something off kilter and the reader is intrigued by the meaning.

Here are some of the widely accepted HOOKING opening lines in literature. We will come back and discuss what they have in common.

1. It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. —Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

2. Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Colonel Aureliano Buendía was to remember that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice. —Gabriel García Márquez, One Hundred Years of Solitude

3. Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. —Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

4. It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. —George Orwell, 1984

5. I am an invisible man. —Ralph Ellison, Invisible Man

6. You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter. —Mark Twain, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn

7. Someone must have slandered Josef K., for one morning, without having done anything truly wrong, he was arrested. —Franz Kafka, The Trial

8. "Until Jenny Marshland was called to the stand, the judge was deplorably sleepy." Sinclair Lewis, Cass Timberlane.

9. If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. —J. D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye

10. 124 was spiteful. —Toni Morrison, Beloved

11. Every summer Lin Kong returned to Goose Village to divorce his wife, Shuyu. —Ha Jin, Waiting

12. All this happened, more or less. —Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse-Five

So what do we see? We see openings that compel us to read on. Some of them are so obscure that we read on to make sense of the opening (1984). Some are metaphors for the totality of the story (Cass Timberlane). Some give us the recipe (Anna Karenina). What all these authors realized is where their finish line was and how to get us there without delay. They gave us a reason to read line after line. Whether the sentence is as simple as, “Call me Ishmael,” or as complex as “The cold passed reluctantly from the earth, and the retiring fogs revealed an army stretched out on the hills, resting,” we are drawn to it. It is the opening line, the most important line of the book.

It is important to note that with rare exceptions, opening lines start out with narrative and not dialogue. Those that do start with dialogue, invariably use the vehicle of the peculiar.

13. "Take my camel, dear," said my Aunt Dot, as she climbed down from this animal on her return from High Mass. —Rose Macaulay, The Towers of Trebizond

Her dialogue isn’t mundane and the reader immediately thinks, “Where is she?” Dialogue is very difficult to pull off and seldom recommended as an opening.

A good lesson to practice is to see if you can tell your story in one sentence. If you can do that, you can identify with clarity where the finish line is, and can more adeptly create the starting gun to your race.

I will give you the opening line to my first novel and the reason for why I wrote it in the way I did.

• On Christmas Eve 1978 I was eleven years old and Daddy had me tucked away in the back of his favorite lounge.

My purpose was to create something which the reader would say, “What is an 11 year old doing in a lounge on Christmas Eve?” Creating a line where the reader wants to find that reason out. Once they found that out, it’s my job to make them find something else out. On and on until we reach the finish line and have connected all the interconnecting points into a finished product.

Reality of writing

Beginning writers are like waves breaking to the shore, and I was one of them once. Someone said to me today, “You shouldn’t give me absolutes. Just because that’s your style, doesn’t mean it works for me.” If I had a dime for every time I heard that…you get the picture. More importantly, contrary to what that writer said to me, I too believed what she believed, that regardless of what the “Experts” said to me, times are changing and therefore, all the stuff that was considered bad fifty, hundred, five hundred years ago, doesn’t apply today. Sadly, the rigidity of my grammar, and the holding on to the simple rules of structure, clouds the more succinct lesson of good writing. You see, she questioned my pointing out that massive use of adjectives is forced, telling, and not good storytelling. She said her voice was all about adjectives, all about the run on sentence, all about the elimination of punctuation all together. She was a new breed and I better get used to it.

It’s hard not to smile. You see, I was a new breed decades ago who decided punctuation and structure wasn’t part of my voice. I discovered, I didn’t know what voice meant. Voice is not how your words are written. Voice is what is written, and how it’s said. So if your voice stutters, or if you have the angry voice, or if you have a voice which is always in deep thought, structure will still be the same, grammar will not only be necessary, it will be imperative! “Do, do, do, you understand?”

You see, I discovered, without proper structure, “Can we eat Grandma?” takes on a whole new meaning. The important lesson to learn was I didn’t have to lose my ideas, I didn’t have to lose my idiosyncratic tics, but I had to make sure I delivered them to the reader in a concise way that was understand, and the only way to do that was to write properly. Your voice depends on you writing with structure.

Now, to her other point, “I speak passively, that’s my voice.” You can use passive verbs. It’s not going to be great literature, but it’s not grammatically wrong. Fair warning though, passive verbs isn’t the same as passive construction. You can speak, and have a voice that uses passive verbs, but you will die a grisly writer’s death if you use passive construction. Passive construction isn’t the same as using passive verbs. You can write, “I was running,” all day long. It’s lazy but it isn’t wrong. You can’t write, “He was stopped by the policeman.” Why? Because this isn’t a case of lazy passive verbs, it’s a case of incorrect placement of subject and object. The policeman is the subject, not him. He is the object, and as such, the sentence is ABOUT THE POLICEMAN. The next sentence, if following sentence structure, and on board to stream the consciousness of the reader, will give us more detail about that officer. “He was pulled over by the policeman. He asked for his license.” At this point, the reader is thoroughly confused. “The policeman pulled him over. He asked for his license.” That makes sense.

You see, voice is not about structure, it’s about cadence, tempo, style, but it will always be grammatically correct. If he stutters, the comma or the ellipse will dominate the paragraph, rightfully so. If he is overly excited, the exclamation point will surely find a spot. The rules will be more important, the more unique your voice is.

Hope that helps.

Write on!

I think we can all use a lesson in passive voice. Sometimes we are too rigid on what we think should and shouldn't be used. Passive voice, in and of itself, is not always a negative and not always frowned upon, however, it is important that we are aware of what it is.

Defining the passive voice

A passive construction occurs when you make the object of an action into the subject of a sentence. That is, whoever or whatever is performing the action is not the grammatical subject of the sentence. Take a look at this passive rephrasing of a familiar joke:

Why was the road crossed by the chicken?

Who is doing the action in this sentence? The chicken is the one doing the action in this sentence, but the chicken is not in the spot where you would expect the grammatical subject to be. Instead, the road is the grammatical subject. The more familiar phrasing (why did the chicken cross the road?) puts the actor in the subject position, the position of doing something?the chicken (the actor/doer) crosses the road (the object). We use active verbs to represent that "doing," whether it be crossing roads, proposing ideas, making arguments, or invading houses (more on that shortly).

Once you know what to look for, passive constructions are easy to spot. Look for a form of "to be" (is, are, am , was, were, has been, have been, had been, will be, will have been, being) followed by a past participle. (The past participle is a form of the verb that typically, but not always, ends in "-ed." Some exceptions to the "-ed" rule are words like "paid" (not "payed") and "driven." (not "drived"). Here's a sure-fire formula for identifying the passive voice:

form of "to be" + past participle = passive voice

For example:

The metropolis has been scorched by the dragon's fiery breath.

When her house was invaded, Penelope had to think of ways to delay her remarriage.

NOTE: forms of the word "have" can do several different things in English. For example, in the sentence "John has to study all afternoon," "had" is not part of a past-tense verb. It's a modal verb, like "must," "can," or "may" these verbs tell how necessary it is to do something (compare "I have to study" versus "I may study"). And forms of "be" are not always passive, either "be" can be the main verb of a sentence that describes a state of being, rather than an action. For example, the sentence "John is a good student" is not passive; "is" is simply describing John's state of being. The moral of the story: don't assume that any time you see a form of "have" and a form of "to be" together, you are looking at a passive sentence. "I have to be on time for the concert," for example, is not passive. Ask yourself whether there is an action going on in the sentence and, if so, whether whoever or whatever is doing that action is the subject of the sentence. In a passive sentence, the object of the action (e.g., the road) will be in the subject position at the front of the sentence. There will be a form of be and a past participle. If the subject appears at all, it will usually be at the end of the sentence, often in a phrase that starts with "by" (e.g., "by the chicken").

Let's briefly look at how to change passive constructions into active ones. You can usually just switch the word order, making the actor and subject one by putting the actor up front:

The metropolis has been scorched by the dragon's fiery breath.

becomes

The dragon scorched the metropolis with his fiery breath.

When her house was invaded, Penelope had to think of ways to delay her remarriage.

becomes

After suitors invaded her house, Penelope had to think of ways to delay her remarriage.

To repeat, the key to identifying the passive voice is to look for both a form of "to be" and a past participle, which usually, but not always, ends in "-ed."

Clarity and meaning

The primary reason why instructors frown on the passive voice is that they often have to guess what you mean. Sometimes, the confusion is minor:

When her house was invaded, Penelope had to think of ways to delay her remarriage.

Like many passive constructions, this sentence lacks explicit reference to the actor?it doesn't tell the reader who or what invaded Penelope's house. The active voice clarifies things:

After suitors invaded Penelope's house, she had to think of ways to fend them off.

Thus many instructors or the readers making sense of your writing prefer that you use the active voice. They want you to specify who or what is doing the action. Compare the following two examples from an anthropology paper on a Laotian village to see if you agree.

(passive) A new system of drug control laws was set up. (By whom?)

(active) The Lao People's Revolutionary Party set up a new system of drug control laws.

Here's another example, from the same paper, that illustrates the lack of precision that can accompany the passive voice:

Gender training was conducted in six villages, thus affecting social relationships.

And a few pages later:

Plus, marketing links were being established.

In both paragraphs, the writer never specifies the actors for those two actions (Who did the gender training? Who established marketing links?). Thus the reader has trouble appreciating the dynamics of these social interactions, which depend upon the actors conducting and establishing these things.

The following example typifies another instance where an instructor might desire more precision and clarity:

Although Penelope shares heroic characteristics with her husband, Odysseus, she

is not considered a hero.

Who does not consider Penelope a hero? It's difficult to tell, but the rest of that paragraph suggests that the student does not consider Penelope a hero (the topic of the paper). The reader might also conceivably think that the student is referring to critics, scholars, or modern readers. One might argue that the meaning comes through here and that the problem is merely stylistic. Yet style affects how your reader understands your argument and content. Awkward or unclear style prevents your reader from appreciating the ideas that are so clear to you when you write. Thus knowing how your reader might react enables you to make more effective choices when you revise. So after you identify instances of the passive, you should consider whether your use of the passive inhibits clear understanding of what you mean.

Summarizing history or literary plots with the passive voice: don't be a lazy thinker or writer!

With the previous section in mind, you should also know that some instructors proclaim that the passive voice signals sloppy, lazy thinking. These instructors argue that writers who overuse the passive voice have not fully thought through what they are discussing and that this makes for imprecise arguments. Consider these sentences from papers on American history:

The working class was marginalized.

African Americans were discriminated against.

Women were not treated as equals.

Such sentences lack the precision and connection to context and causes that mark rigorous thinking. The reader learns little about the systems, conditions, human decisions, and contradictions that produced these groups' experiences of oppression. And so the reader and the instructor questions the writer's understanding of these things.

It is especially important to be sure that your thesis statement is clear and precise, so think twice before using the passive voice in your thesis.

In papers where you discuss the work of an author, e.g., a historian or writer of literature, you can also strengthen your writing by not relying on the passive as a crutch when summarizing plots or arguments. Instead of writing

It is argued that...

or Tom and Huck are portrayed as...

or And then the link between X and Y is made, showing that...

you can heighten the level of your analysis by explicitly connecting an author with these statements:

Anderson argues that...

Twain portrays Tom and Huck as...

Ishiguro draws a link between X and Y to show that...

By avoiding passive constructions in these situations, you can demonstrate a more thorough understanding of the material you discuss. You show that you're not a lazy, sloppy thinker.

Scientific writing

All this advice works for papers in the humanities, you mght note, but what about technical or scientific papers, including lab reports? Many instructors recommend or even require the passive voice in such writing. The rationale for using the passive voice in scientific writing is that it achieves "an objective tone." For example, by avoiding the first person. To consider scientific writing, let's break it up into two main types: lab reports and writing about a scientific topic or literature.

Lab reports

Although more and more scientific journals accept or even prefer first-person active voice (e.g., "then we sequenced the human genome"), some of your instructors may want you to remove yourself from your lab report by using the passive voice (e.g., "then the human genome was sequenced" rather than "then we sequenced the human genome").

While you might employ the passive voice to retain objectivity, you can still use active constructions in some instances and retain your objective stance. Thus it's useful to keep in mind the sort of active verbs you might use in lab reports. Examples include: support, indicate, suggest, correspond, challenge, yield, show.

Thus instead of writing

A number of things are indicated by these results.

you could write

These results indicate a number of things.

or Further analysis showed/suggested/yielded?

Writing about scientific topics

In some assignments, rather than reporting the results of your own scientific work, you will be writing about the work of other scientists. Such assignments might include literature reviews and research reports on scientific topics. You have two main possible tasks in these assignments: reporting what other people have done (their research or experiments) or indicating general scientific knowledge (the body of knowledge coming out of others' research). Often the two go together. In both instances, you can easily use active constructions even though you might be tempted by the passive, especially if you're used to writing your own lab reports in the passive.

You decide: Which of these two examples is clearer?

Heart disease is considered the leading cause of death in the United States. (passive)

or Research points to heart disease as the leading cause of death in the United States.(active)

Alternatively, you could write this sentence with human actors:

Researchers have concluded that heart disease is the leading caue of death in the United States.

The last two sentences illustrate a relationship that the first one lacks. The first example does not tell who or what leads us to accept this conclusion about heart disease.

Here's one last example from a report that describes angioplasty. Which sounds better to you?

The balloon is positioned in an area of blockage and is inflated.

or The surgeon positions the balloon in an area of blockage and inflates it.

You can improve your scientific writing by relying less on the passive. No matter what field you're writing in, when you use the passive voice, you risk conveying to your reader a sense of uncertainty and imprecision regarding your writing and thinking. The key is to know when your instructor wants you to use the passive voice.

"Swindles and perversions"

Before discussing a few instances when the passive might be preferable, I should mention one of the more political uses of the passive: to hide blame or obscure responsibility. You wouldn't do this, but you can learn how to become a critic of those who exhibit what George Orwell included among the "swindles and perversions" of writing. For example:

Mistakes were made.

The Exxon Company accepts that a few gallons might have been spilled.

By becoming critically aware of how others use language to shape clarity and meaning, you can learn how better to revise your own work. Keep Orwell's swindles and perversions in mind as you read other writers. Because it's easy to leave the actor out of passive sentences, some people use the passive voice to avoid mentioning who is responsible for certain actions.

So when is it OK to use the passive?

Sometimes the passive voice is the best choice. Here are a few instances when the passive voice is quite useful:

1. To emphasize an object.Take a look at this example:

100 votes are required to pass the bill.

This passive sentence emphasizes the number of votes required. An active version of the sentence ("The bill requires 100 votes to pass") would put the emphasis on the bill, which may be less dramatic.

2. To de-emphasize an unknown subject/actor. Consider this example:

Over 120 different contaminants have been dumped into the river.

If you don't know who the actor is?in this case, if you don't actually know who dumped all of those contaminants in the river, then you may need to write in the passive. But remember, if you do know the actor, and if the clarity and meaning of your writing would benefit from indicating him/her/it/them, then use an active construction. Yet consider the third case.

3. If your readers don't need to know who's responsible for the action.

Here's where your choice can be difficult; some instances are less clear than others. Try to put yourself in your reader's position to anticipate how he/she will react to the way you have phrased your thoughts. Here are two examples:

Baby Sophia was delivered at 3:30 a.m. yesterday.(passive)

and

Dr. Susan Jones delivered baby Sophia at 3:30 a.m. yesterday.(active)

The first sentence might be more appropriate in a birth announcement sent to family and friends, they are not likely to know Dr. Jones and are much more interested in the "object"(the baby) than in the actor (the doctor). A hospital report of yesterday's events might be more likely to focus on Dr. Jones' role.

Summary of strategies

Identify

Look for the passive voice: "to be" + a past participle (usually, but not always, ending in "-ed")

If you don't see both components, move on.

Does the sentence describe an action? If so, where is the actor? Is he/she/it in the grammatical subject position (at the front of the sentence) or in the object position (at the end of the sentence, or missing entirely)?

Does the sentence end with "by..."? Many passive sentences include the actor at the end of the sentence in a "by" phrase, like "The ball was hit by the player" or "The shoe was chewed up by the dog." "By" by itself isn't a conclusive sign of the passive voice, but it can prompt you to take a closer look.

Evaluate

Is the doer/actor indicated? Should you indicate him/her/it?

Does it really matter who's responsible for the action?

Would your reader ask you to clarify a sentence because of an issue related to your use of the passive?

Do you use a passive construction in your thesis statement?

Do you use the passive as a crutch in summarizing a plot or history, or in describing something?

Do you want to emphasize the object?

Revise

If you decide that your sentence would be clearer in the active voice, switch the sentence around to make the subject and actor one. Put the actor (the one doing the action of the sentence) in front of the verb.

Towards active thinking and writing

I encourage you to keep these tips in mind as you revise. While you may be able to employ this advice as you write your first draft, that's not necessarily always possible. In writing, clarity often comes when you revise, not on your first try. Don't worry about the passive if that stress inhibits you in getting your ideas down on paper. But do look for it when you revise. Actively make choices about its proper place in your writing. There is nothing grammatically or otherwise "wrong" about using the passive voice. The key is to recognize when you should, when you shouldn't, and when your reader just doesn't want you to. The choices are yours.

Myths

So what is the passive voice? First, let's be clear on what the passive voice isn't. Below, I list some common myths about the passive voice:

1. Use of the passive voice constitutes a grammatical error.

Use of the passive voice is not a grammatical error. It's a stylistic issue that pertains to clarity, that is, there are times when using the passive voice can prevent a reader from understanding what you mean.

2. Any use of "to be" (in any form) constitutes the passive voice.

The passive voice entails more than just using a being verb. Using "to be" can weaken the impact of your writing, but it is occasionally necessary and does not by itself constitute the passive voice.

3. The passive voice always avoids the first person; if something is in first person ("I" or "we") it's also in the active voice.

On the contrary, you can very easily use the passive voice in the first person. Here's an example: "I was hit by the dodgeball."

4. You should never use the passive voice.

While the passive voice can weaken the clarity of your writing, there are times when the passive voice is OK and even preferable.

5. I can rely on my grammar checker to catch the passive voice.

See Myth #1. Since the passive voice isn't a grammar error, it's not always caught. Typically, grammar checkers catch only a fraction of passive voice usage.

Do any of these misunderstandings sound familiar? If so, you're not alone.

Have you ever really thought about what spurs us to write? Is it about desire or is it about fear?

Sometimes I write because I have something I want people to learn, to experience, to understand, but much more often it is about what I am afraid of. My short stories and my novels have one common thread in them that if you know me, you can find rather easily. I am afraid of growing old. Dorian Gray best describes my malady. I work so hard to perfect my stories because I believe that there lies my mortality. This is where my lesson is very vague because I can't understand any other drive than that which I am afflicted with; however, I think I can give this sage piece of advice. USE THAT WHICH GNAWS AT YOU TO MOVE YOUR WRITING FORWARD. Whatever is your muse, ride it for the racehorse it is. It will take you to the finish line and you will win the race.

There is something about sleep deprivation that feeds my creativity, and because of that I tend to do some of my best writing late at night, REALLY late at night. However, because time is such a valuable commodity when you have four little boys, I don't get the chance to burn the midnight oil as often as I would like. This weekend I did get one night to work until four a.m. and while I was working there was a motivational speaker on, and even though it is only background noise, I couldn't help but catch his oft repeated phrase of "...if you believe it, it will happen." It wasn't so much the positive in his message that caught my attention but rather the negative. He said that if you believe something can't happen, it won't, referring to how often we go into a setting not truly believing we can achieve what we set out to achieve. I find for writers, this to be so true. We have to believe in what we are doing in order to actually do it. Writing is laborious enough to not have to deal with the negative aspects of it. In this day and age when we can get a whole story, a good story, on the tube in two hours, why would we subject ourselves to 100 hours of painstaking, time consuming, often frustrating, sessions writing a story that may or may not be presentable? We should be doing it because we believe in what we are doing. If we don't, the chances are we will fail.

Be positive and be cheerful about your project. What you are doing should be a light burning bright in your life. If you keep it as that, you will always run to it when you have free time.

When you write a story that has depth in characters, such as a dramatic novel, character development is vital to the success of the story. It is important that you create characters that aren't carbon copies of each other, so creating a bio for each character is an important step in preventing this. One method, and one that surely works for many writers, is to jot down character points for each character on a 5x7 card and tuck it away as a reference during your writing or you can do what I do. I just pick someone I know as the foundation for a character. I don't mean the character is that person, but rather what they eat, do, idiosyncratic behaviors are the same ones as the person I know. By the way, this is no easy task because there are so many nuances that are hard to remember about those people you know. I am reminded that my first son and fourth son (of five boys) loves French Toast, especially the fourth boy. Numbers two and three, not so much. Number five, we don't know yet. Number two son, which is actually number one son in my second marriage, is very focused. He is so focused that he must organize everything. His brother just below him is about as opposite as they come. He is late to rise and is more into fun than focus. The point is, I could write a story about five brothers and toil with what to assign each one for habits, likes, feelings, or I could make each brother in the image of my five boys. It is my suggestion that if you are working on a full length novel to try this method in your first work. Time is still an asset that we so seldom have and shortening your workload might help drive your piece to completion.